apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
