I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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