I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
