I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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