I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
