i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
