when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
