matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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