ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
