Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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