i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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