yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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