You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dick very happy bro
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
