I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
