Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
