I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
