I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
