Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
