Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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