Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
