i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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