i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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