I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
