Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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