I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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