I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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