Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
