It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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