I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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