you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
