I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
