Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
