worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
