And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
