I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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