I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
