I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
