1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
