we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
