NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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