I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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