You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
