i was rollin on her like bob the builder
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
