My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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