I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
