Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
