true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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