You can't special order awesome
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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