hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
