Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
