I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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