Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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