I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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