Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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