DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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