Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
