direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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