Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
