Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
