My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
