for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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