I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
