How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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